Table
of Contents
- What
inspired you to write this book?
- How
is RAISING WINNERS different than other parenting
books?
- Your
advice to parents is based on decades of research. What
kind of
research?
- You
write that sports activities are much more than
after-school
babysitting. What kind of life-lessons can kids learn
through sports?
- Is
there a best time for kids to start playing
sports?
- You
write that a child's parent is her first coach. Are there
things
parents do without even realizing that effect the way
their child
will be on the playing field?
- Quality
athletic training and quality parenting have the same
fundamentals, for instance...
- Our
research shows that positive coaching producers happier
and more
successful players. What are the differences between
positive coaching?
and the more traditional, school-of-hard-knocks sort of
coaching?
- Who
are some famous coaches that fit your profiles?
- We've
all seen those parents who go crazy on the sidelines.
They
scream at their child, the other players, the coach, the
referees...Can a
parent be too involved in their child's sports
activities?
- What
the most beneficial way parents can behave on the
sidelines?
- What
is the best thing to say to a child after she's lost a
tough game?
- Is
there a time when parents should encourage their child to
uphold
their commitment to a sport when all their friends are
switching to another one?
- Is
there one particular sport that kids should start out
with?
- Should
parents deal differently with their daughter and sons
with
regard to sports?
- How
do you recommend that parents encourage their girls in
sports?
- How
do you spot a good / bad coach?
- Is
there a positive way that a parent can criticize a
coach?
- How
can parents make their child more coachable?
- What
should kids eat the night before a big game?
- What
should they eat during the game?
- What
is the single most important thing that parents should
remember
when watch their child play sports?
1.
What inspired you to write this book?
First, I have three kids who all play sports - volleyball,
basketball, soccer, baseball, football, skiing,
and they
all started about a decade ago. My weekends, weekdays just
like so many parents' - became filled with games, practices,
a lot of oranges, carpools, and laundry. In my other hat, I
am a college professor and had the wonderful opportunity to
get a doctorate in Early Childhood Development and Education
long before I had children and I can say what every parent
knows
they taught me a lot.
If you ask what was the inspiration, well, I guess I just
grew to know how very lucky I was -- the opportunities I was
having through my kids and what a privilege education was to
understand a bigger picture. From my heart, I wanted to
share this with other parents.
And one day
on a rainy soccer field I saw a little boy in
a bright blue jersey trying to keep up with his dad who was
charging off the field. Four steps to his dad's two, he was
crying, tears streaming down his muddy cheeks as he swiped
to hide them with his goalie's glove. He was sobbing.‰
But dad, but dad, I did the best I could." "Well! It wasn't
good enough!" stormed the dad. The dad never even looked
back. He didn't seen his son stop for a moment, his face
fallen, his spirit crushed. The dad never knew his impact.
After a moment, the little boy started running again holding
out his hand to reach his dad, but his dad was going too
fast. The image of his tear stained face and his small
out-stretched hand haunt me. And I am not judging the dad.
My heart broke for the dad as well who, himself, surely had
been treated in the same way. Three or four decades older
than his son, he and his son were both hurting and were both
victims.
2.
How is RAISING WINNERS different than other parenting
books?
Well, first, it is not about one sport. It is about all
sports. I have football, basketball, hockey, lacrosse
stories and more. I realized early on that the size of the
ball changes and the color too, but the kids, parents and
coaches stay the same. Raising Winners is woven with stories
about real kids playing real sports today.
The second way it is different is that I am both a parent
and a professional and I write the stories wearing each hat.
Ironically, the book has only two or three stories about my
own kids. My kids are not 6'10 in basketball nor are they
4'8 in gymnastics. They are in the middle, just like most
everyone's kids so we all got to learn the important lessons
available in sports.
Last, I take a very positive approach. I help parents
connect with the lessons and give guidelines on how to turn
every situation in to a win-win for your kid. There is a lot
of positive stuff in sports and a few pitfalls - and yes, I
do give parents a few heads up about those problem areas,
but most of it is about how to be successful, and how to
have fun together.
3.
Your advice to parents is based on decades of research. What
kind of
research?
The first batch of research comes right out of the child
development literature. We have been learning as about how
kids develop well for over a century. The second batch of
research is newer and focuses on individual development
-self-efficacy and personal growth. My hat is off to Dr.
Albert Bandura and Dr. Eleanor Maccoby for their guidance
with the work. The third area is sports research and is in a
blossoming stage right now.
One study I did with my students at LMU last year was
entitled "Who's a Winner? Coaches' views of winning young
athletes" where 658 coaches from across the nation from 5
years old to 24 years of age told us that a winner is a kid
with a positive psychological foundation - Loves to Play,
Positive Attitude, Coachable, Self-Motivated, and Team
Player
Strives to Improve, Dedicated and Gives Best Always
came next. Interestingly, 2.9 out of 3 words the coaches
spontaneously used were psychological attributes - it was
the rare coach who even mentioned physical gifts.
4.
You write that sports activities are much more than
after-school
babysitting. What kind of life-lessons can kids learn
through sports?
Well, sports can be a tremendous chance to discover who they
are and what they like to do. Physical activity is great for
kids and play is fun. Sports games give kids chances to
learn the social rules of how to play fair
take turns
try hard
be a team member
do what you're supposed to do
when you're supposed to do it
and there is a lot of joy
along the way!
5.
Is there a best time for kids to start playing sports?
Yep. When the kid shows an interest. Of course, you should
have activities available to help them stay physically fit
and grow well, but the formalized sports participation
decision is one you should support when your kid says "Hey,
I think it would be fun to learn how to
."
6.
You write that a child's parent is her first coach. Are
there things
parents do without even realizing that effect the way their
child
will be on the playing field?
Absolutely! Some of the most important parts of sports are
learned from parents' role models.
Sportsmanship, for example, how do you behave when your
favorite team wins? When they lose? How do you act about ref
calls you don't agree with? What do you do on your
Saturday?
On a more direct level, what do you say to your kid on the
way home after a game? You are in the business of teaching
your kid how to think about experiences. Is the WIN the
all-important topic or do you encourage your child's
personal improvement. Do you praise the kid who is trying
hard on the team or do you only recognize the kid who is the
team STAR? Are you helpful to the coach or do you just
criticize his or her decisions behind the back? Do you cheer
when even when the team is losing, because it is then they
need your support more than ever? Do you serve as a positive
little voice in your child's ear that they "Can-Do" anything
they set their mind to. You'll be there to celebrate, win or
lose.
7.
Quality athletic training and quality parenting have the
same
fundamentals, for instance...
In parenting, you want to support your child to become his
or her own best self. You aim to help them connect with
their positive potential, not their worst. The same is true
in athletics. A great coach - from the Pee Wee league to the
Olympic Games -- wants to help his athlete connect with
their positive potential, not their worst. Playing well
means accessing all the best in your bag of potentials and
bringing them to orchestrated successes.
Research on parenting and coaching shows that positive
techniques far surpass the negative in the long.
Have you seen Phil Jackson coach?
8.
Your research shows that positive coaching producers happier
and more
successful players. What are the differences between
positive coaching?
and the more traditional, school-of-hard-knocks sort of
coaching?
The first difference is that positive support aims to help
the kid build their skills and can-do abilities. By keeping
the foundation positive, kids can think better and thus
perform better.
The Old School of Coaching seemed to come from a War Zone
mentality. Boot camp for eight year olds sounds as illogical
as it is. The old goal to "toughen up" athletes goes counter
to both child development and sports' research. If you treat
an athlete abusively, the thing the athlete learns most is
how to be abusive. They do not necessarily learn how to play
or perform their sport better. We understand now that
athletic training is for life. We all need to stay active in
some way, in or out of formalized sports. You know, use it
or lose it.
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9.
Who are some famous coaches that fit your profiles?
Of course, John Wooden is the all time GREAT. I was
fortunate while I was in graduate school to have the chance
to watch him coach the UCLA team from 1971-1975. He was
awesome. My husband was an ex-basketball player so we made
it to a lot of the games and I got to see, through the eyes
of an old player the game in a whole new way. John Wooden
was exceptional then and still is. His two books are
must-reads for everyone in sports today.
And
Oh, my gosh!! Phil Jackson is awesome. One of the
things I love about him, if you hear him speak, is the
insight he shares coming out of the Old School of Coaching.
He tells of having the most techincals on year in the league
(14) tied along with another player. He knows that
frustration that led to anger inspired technical fouls and
now speaks with compassion about the flow of the game. He
speaks as a coach about helping his players connect with
their best potential and not interfering with their
flow.
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10.
We've all seen those parents who go crazy on the sidelines.
They
scream at their child, the other players, the coach, the
referees...Can a
parent be too involved in their child's sports
activities?
Absolutely. You should know you are too involved -- you've
lost your common sense - when you find yourself saying
something negative at Boom Box volume at a kids' sporting
event. We are supposed to be the role models of how to grow
up. Negative yelling, swearing, nasty criticism have no
place in sports and certainly no place in the powerful
learning arena of kids sports today.
Whenever a parent forgets his or her most important job as a
role model of mature behavior for kids, they have gone over
the sport parent edge into an ugly abyss. Trouble is, the
kids see and hear it in Real LIVE Technicolor and SDDS
Digital Sound!
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11. What the most beneficial way parents can behave on the
sidelines?
Be your own best self. Support positively. Be enthusiastic.
Be proud to be a part of your child's development. Cherish
the day
for they grow up way too fast and the days are but
memories. If you find yourself struggling with rude or
hostile feelings, remind yourself to keep perspective.
Practice some deep breathing or relaxation. Think before you
speak. Remember, your child only gets to see you for brief
periods out of the week so your behavior serves as a
template for how they will act. Make sure what they see
represents you at your best.
Here are some things all-star parents don't do: scream at
the kids; holler at the coach or referee; cry at mistakes
their child makes; get upset at thoughtless remarks from the
stands; shout instructions from the sidelines; march our of
a game; throw a stomping fit over a substitution; rage about
a game loss; criticize a coach in public; give advice to a
coach unless asked; give advice to a player; use
administrative pressure to change coaching decisions.
All-star athlete parents do: respect the young athlete;
respect the coach; respect the team mates; watch every
aspect of the game carefully; know the rules of the game;
model maturity and sportsmanship; enjoy the process of
watching the play.
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12. What is the best thing to say to a child after she's
lost a tough game?
First, listen. Let her talk. If nothing comes out, wait and
watch. Often, I find that kids only remember the "bad" thing
they did. I think it is important to mentally take note of
one, two, several really "good" things to tell her about
after the game. Paint the "good" actions in rich terms of
self-efficacy and improvement. Always underscore with love
and compassion about how hard it is to try your very best
and still not succeed. It is the trying that counts, though
and parents can be there to help kids remember.
Ironically, the debrief after a win is a lot briefer and
easier. But kids learn a lot more from losing
if we can be
there appropriately to help that happen.
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13. Is there a time when parents should encourage their
child to uphold
their commitment to a sport when all their friends are
switching to another one?
Going against the grain, not moving with the herd is a very
difficult choice for most kids, especially at certain ages.
It is very important to help you kid stay connected with who
they are as an individual and not be tied to the crowd. Help
your kid focus on their own needs, interests, and choices
and celebrate their difference. Let them sort through what
is right for them and support the value of commitment and
seeing things to their natural close when appropriate. This
decision process is a powerful lesson learning opportunity
parents' can use for hard challenges your kid will face down
the road like risky behaviors (smoking, drinking,
drugs).
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14. Is there one particular sport that kids should start out
with?
The one they like! Actually, your neighborhood and community
have a lot of beginning opportunities hopefully including an
open area nearby where you can just go and toss a ball
around. It doesn't have to be fancy. No expensive equipment
needed. Great eye hand coordination develops with simple
practice. Same thing with kicking. A red rubber ball and a
free Saturday afternoon for a family can be a great
experience.
You and your family can also check out the local high school
or college events. If your children are very young, you
might even go visit a local middle school and catch one of
their basketball games. The price is right and the young
kids provide great CAN-DO examples for the new young
athlete. Oh, and keep an eye on your child. Be willing to
explain what is going on and be prepared to leave when they
get bored or the action loses interest for them.
Oh, and don't be afraid to let your kids see you can't do
something well. Kids love to know that they can and should
try new things, even if they are not very good. How you
handle trying and failing as well as working at improving
will be more important than a year's worth of expensive
lessons to most kids.
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15. Should parents deal differently with their daughter and
sons with
regard to sports?
Wow. Loaded question. When I asked the Lamberts, parents of
Mike Lambert on the US. National Volleyball team and Debbie
Lambert, two times U.S. National Volleyball NCAA Division I
champion, they said
"What is the difference? They are no
different. They are both children. Each had different things
to learn, but not necessarily boy-girl things."
I like their answer, but in fact we are at a complicated
time in society. It is only 28 years since the passage of
title IX. We have gone from 1 in 17 women playing sports to
1 in 3 in three decades while it has stayed roughly 1 in 2
for men. Personally and professionally, I think there are
some wonderful and important lessons about competition for
girls to learn through sports. And I also like the
self-efficacy - something you do makes a difference not the
Barbie doll how you look communication I believe is
pervasive.
Similarly, at this time in sports I also see a transition
for men. There are powerful cooperation, teamwork and fair
play lessons potential juxtaposed with the traditional
competition lessons. The balance of these lessons for men's
sports seems to be off center now, but things are changing.
ON the one hand, we have the star athletes hitting the front
page with arrests, drugs, and illegal behaviors. On the
other hand, we have coaches like Phil Jackson taking over
one of the premier top professional teams in the nation with
a Zen philosophy of coaching. So as I see it, we need to
keep moving as a culture toward the positive cooperative
lesions men can learn through sports while bringing to the
forefront honor, fair play and sportsmanship.
The bottom lines for individual parents
watch your
daughter. What does she want to learn? What does she need to
learn? Watch your son. Same plan. Then search out
experiences that help them along their journey.
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16. How do you recommend that parents encourage their girls
in sports?
Affirm the value of what your daughter can do --- run, jump,
dance, swing a bat, catch a ball --- as opposed to what she
looks like is a fundamental focus for parents to keep in
mind. The girl focused only on the mirror has far fewer
choices than the girl who focus on where she can go, what
she can do and who she can become.
Some girls will pick sports and I congratulate the choice.
Learning to compete in sports is thick soup. But there are
competitions and lessons to be learned as well in tap dance,
ballet, debate, theater, violin, flute, and even the
piccolo.
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17. How do you spot a good / bad coach?
For some folks, you'll be able to spot them through your
gut! They "feel" bad to you and to your kid. Once your gut
puts you on alert, you will see coach behaviors that take
away from kids, not give to them. Good coaches give of
themselves to build kids up. Bad coaches often have no
understanding and consciously or unconsciously take kids
down. Mean spirited words, nasty critical remarks, unkind
hearted actions are pretty obvious and your kid deserves to
know they ---just for being a person - deserve respect.
Coach training programs are an invaluable asset to helping
coaches improve. We know 5 out of 6 coaches currently have
little or no training. Coaches are teachers and need quality
guidance on how to guide kids. There are several
organizations that now have coach-training programs, but one
new national organization I like a lot is the Positive
Coaching Alliance, a non-profit organization housed at
Stanford University. I see them as a beacon for helping
bring up the quality of coaching.
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18. Is there a positive way that a parent can criticize a
coach?
Of course. Criticism in and of itself is not bad. Kids need
to know what they are doing wrong, but a constant diet of
criticism is a sure plan to lose the kid.
First, tell the kid what they are doing right. Explain why
and how it is quality and will be beneficial to them. Then
show or explain where they can improve. Make the needed
improvement a small, doable behavior. Make a positive
suggestion of how to do it.
Coach John Wooden would show players what the right method
to do a skill was. Then he would show the wrong way. Then he
would go back and show the right way. It is called
discriminative modeling.
And always make suggestions in a calm, teaching tone of
voice. No judgment. This is what you are doing. This is what
you need to do. Good job. Practice. You can do it. Work on
it.
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19. How can parents make their child more coachable?
You can help your kid become coachable by first off,
respecting the coach. You need to let kids know that their
coach, with few exceptions, has some important and valuable
things to teach them. If your kid loves to play, you have
half the battle won.
Second, help your kid keep up their positive attitude. A
smiling, willing kid who is self-motivated listens to what
the coach says and tries to do what is asked. Listening and
trying are the keys. Kids who are striving to improve and
giving it their best effort are a coach's dream and those
kids will go a long way.
Third, help your kid become a team player. John Wooden says
in his book the hallmark of a truly great player is that
they are a team player.
While we cannot change our kid's height or genetics, we can
make our kids socially successful through skills like
listening, doing as asked, being polite, and in sum
being
coachable. The socially skilled kid, whether it is in
academics or on the athletic field, will always go further
than the social mis-fit.
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20. What should kids eat the night before a big game?
Kids should eat what they want to eat. Seriously. Research
by Hoebel and Scott out of Princeton and University of
Delaware supports "Body Wisdom." Parents can be reassured
that their kids will make good choices within a 24 hour time
frame of good balanced choices if a healthy array of
alternatives is provided. We are not talking dropping them
off at the ice cream parlor for supper, but providing a
normal healthy array of foods using food pyramid as a
guideline.
Remember, we are not talking a 25K marathon here, we are
talking a kid's big game. Healthy bodies are quite clever
and store extra glycogen in the liver for times of extra
demand, and store extra hormones to squirt into action when
required so the pressure is off of ONE meal.
Day to day healthy eating is the best. One book I like very
much is The Yale Guide to Children's Nutrition edited by Dr.
William Tamborlane, that includes everything from normal
growth and development to the food pyramid through the
adolescent and on into stomach trouble and even include
great recipes for families. The chapter on energizing the
young athlete by Barry Goldberg and Lisa Tartamella is
relevant to the question and they suggest pre-game meals
that are high in complex carbohydrates and low in fat are
always good choices. You don't want to send a kid into a
game on a full heavy stomach. Common sense. Or load them
with sugary foods either.
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21. What should they eat during the game?
During the game, energy-enhancing snacks are good to have
available like fruits, muffins, or pretzels but very
important is having plenty of fluids available. Encourage
kids to keep the fluids going. On longer all day events,
energy enhancing snacks can be especially prized. I've seen
bagels disappear and even bananas go down in a gulp or two
for very active young adolescents mid game in a growth
spurt. After the game, fruit juices are both vitamin and
mineral nutritious and rich in carbohydrates lost during
play.
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22. What is the single most important thing that parents
should remember
when watch their child play sports?
Enjoy the process. I think so often how very lucky we are to
have recreation time to share with our children. I love
watching my son's face when he gets ready to pass a ball. I
even like watching him get water from the team cooler or
greet a friend passing by. Who is your kid? How is he
feeling? Who is he becoming before your very eyes?
At moments, tears will spring as I remember the precious
gift of time we all have with our children
and how very
short it really is.
by Shari Young
Kuchenbecker, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2000 RaisingWinners.com. All rights
reserved.
Revised: November 02, 2004
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